Why You should Always FORGIVE When the Offender Is Repentant
There’s this religious myth that Christians must automatically forgive everyone for everything all of the time, but this simply isn’t true. To forgive means to cancel the debt or dismiss the offense. While we are certainly obligated to forgive the repentant — those who humbly ‘fess up or apologize in some obvious manner, even if it’s by their actions as opposed to hollow words — we are not required to forgive the stubborn impenitent. See for yourself what Christ plainly taught on the topic:
“If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”
Luke 17:3-4
When the offender repents, we are obliged to forgive him/her. This is the basic principle that the LORD uses in dealing with our transgressions, as observed here:
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:8-9
As you can see, God is mercifully forgiving, but the key to receiving that forgiveness is a spirit of repentance, which humbly acknowledges missing it with the obvious intention to change for the positive. This is clear in other passages, like Revelation 2:21-22, Proverbs 28:13 and Psalm 32:5.
This is how the LORD deals with us and it is how he expects us to treat with those who sin against us, which explains the instruction “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children” (Ephesians 5:1 ESV). Since we are God’s children, born of God’s seed (John 1:12-13 & 1 John 3:9), we are called to imitate our Heavenly Father when it comes to forgiveness. The LORD does not automatically forgive everyone for everything all of the time, but only the humble repentant. That’s why believers are held accountable for unconfessed sin at the Judgment Seat of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:10-11) and unbelievers are held accountable at the great white throne judgment (Revelation 20:11-15). This is rooted in the biblical axiom that God opposes — resists — the proud, but gives grace or favor to the humble (James 4:6, 1 Peter 5:5 & Proverbs 3:34).
Notice Christ’s specific instructions for us concerning handling an offending believer:
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
Matthew 18:15-17
The Lord outlines a process of engagement and correction. Instead of gossiping to others about the offense in question, we are to go to the offender personally and address the transgression as humbly as possible (because this naturally produces better results than screaming). One of the reasons it’s good to personally meet with the person and discuss the offense in question is that it may have been a misunderstanding or we might even discover that we are the ones guilty of a sinning and need to eat humble pie. We’re only to take the matter to other genuine believers if (1) the offense is legitimate and (2) the individual is stubbornly unrepentant. If the offender remains impenitent we’re to hold the transgression against him/her and treat them as if they were an unbeliever. Christ himself said to do this. For scriptural details see this article.
I should point out that these are general instructions on how to respond to an offense by a fellow believer, but they’re not applicable in every situation. In some cases we’re simply instructed to avoid the person rather than confront him/her. You can read details here. Be led of the Spirit.
Our topic here concerns occasions where a believer is offended and the transgressor humbly apologizes in some manner (even if it’s by actions rather than words), but the offended believer refuses to forgive and holds a grudge. This is when unforgiveness is a sin because the believer is not imitating our merciful Creator, who always forgives the humbly penitent (1 John 1:8-9, Revelation 2:21-22, Proverbs 28:13 & Psalm 32:5).
Christ gave a parable to reveal what the LORD will do when a believer stubbornly refuses to forgive a repentant offender:
“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
Matthew 18:23-35
When the servant falls on his knees before his master and begs in verse 26, this is figurative of humble penitence and thus the master cancels the debt and lets him go (verse 27). The servant represents the believer while the master is the LORD. The obvious message is that God mercifully forgives the repentant (1 John 1:8-9).
However, the LORD is understandably angered when this same forgiven servant refuses to forgive another servant that’s indebted to him who “falls on his knees and begs,” which signifies that he’s humbly repentant (verse 29). The master thus hands him over to the jailers to be tortured until he pays back what he owes. In other words, the servant’s former debt is reinstated and he has to pay it back. This isn’t a reference to damnation (although I reckon it could be in extreme cases), but rather that God will allow the devil & his filthy minions to assault the servant in some manner until he repents, which means to change one’s mind with the corresponding actions (Revelation 2:21-22).
The lesson? When someone who has sinned against you humbly ‘fesses up, be sure to forgive him or her. Even if it’s 7 times in one day. After all, isn’t this how the LORD treats you & me when we miss it and ‘fess up? We likewise should extend this same generous mercy to others.
Related Topics:
How to Confront & Correct (and How NOT to)
What if You KNOW a Confrontation Will Turn UGLY?
Forgiveness—Should You Forgive EVERYONE for EVERYTHING ALL of the Time?
Insights on OFFENSE & FORGIVENESS from Joseph’s Story
The Six Basic Doctrines of Christianity
GRACE — What Is God’s Grace? How Do You Receive It? How Do You Grow In It?
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